So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Randomize
