Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
