Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Randomize
