Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Randomize
