i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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