There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
