...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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