Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
