I just pynch a tree in the face
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
