There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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