I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
