I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
