I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
