had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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