I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
