i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
