Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
