just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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