Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
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