If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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