When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
