My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
she looked like the before picture.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
