oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Randomize
