WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
