He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
