capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
i think my cat just said my name.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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