Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
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