Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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