if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
