I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Randomize
