We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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