this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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