His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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