You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
