That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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