Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Im part way to drunk.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
