I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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