Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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