so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
