Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I will pee on everything he values.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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