I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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