there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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