he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
