holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
