Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
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