just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
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