I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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