...so i touched it.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
