Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
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