fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
