Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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