that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
