To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
