You smell like a Billy Joel song
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
