I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
You pole danced in your parka.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
