so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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