Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
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