Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
