why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
