I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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