woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
