he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
