he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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