I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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