Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
