Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
