I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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