I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Randomize