got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
