We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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